Echoes of Silence: Understanding Echoism in the Face of Narcissistic Abuse

Did you know that nearly 40% of people who leave an abusive relationship end up in another?

For Echoists - those who fear being a burden - the risk of entering another abusive relationship is even higher, as their silence often draws narcissistic partners. Echoism is a lesser-known concept, essentially the opposite of narcissism. It is named after the myth of Echo in Rumer Godden's 1939 novel, Black Narcissus.

Echo is the nymph who could only repeat the words of others and ultimately faded into nothingness. Her story captures the essence of what it means to live in the shadow of a narcissist.

Echoism often develops in early life, especially in environments where being quiet, agreeable, and self-sacrificing is rewarded, while expressing needs or desires is discouraged. Children raised in such settings may learn that taking up space or drawing attention leads to rejection or criticism, so they adapt by becoming invisible. This pattern can carry into adulthood, making Echoists more susceptible to relationships with narcissists, where their silence and compliance are exploited.

In relationships with narcissists, we become shape-shifters, constantly morphing into the version of ourselves that will cause the least disruption, the least criticism, and the least rejection. This tendency is often rooted in echoism, where we learn to prioritise others over ourselves, hoping that by being agreeable and staying small, we can avoid conflict or abandonment.

Surviving narcissistic abuse leaves deep scars, often reshaping how we approach relationships long after the abuse has ended. Those of us who have been through it know how quickly we learn to sacrifice ourselves just to maintain some semblance of connection. As survivors, many of us have learnt to diminish ourselves, to take up as little space as possible, and to mirror the desires of others rather than voice our own.

This is how the shape-shifting begins: to survive the emotional demands of the narcissist, we become echoes. We believe that by putting others first, staying quiet, and accommodating every whim, we will finally be loved, valued, or at least safe.

What really happens is that we lose ourselves entirely…